Beach Day / Gratitude Post #2

Today we go to the beach. The ocean always seems to calm me down. I’m thrilled to take a few hours away from home to dig my toes in the sand. I’m getting stuff ready to head out in a couple of hours.

My favorite thing to eat there? Fresh clams with lemon and some salsa. And of course a delicious and refreshing coconut with shrimp.

I feel stillness today.

I am grateful right now for my son’s laughter filling the living room as he chases a huge ball and runs around with my daughter.

I am grateful for those minutes spent hugging my husband while laying in bed before getting ready to start his day.

I am grateful for this cup of coffee that warms my belly.

I thank you universe for another day. Another chance to love myself a bit more.

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Gratitude Post #1

Today work was busy. Friday’s I only work from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m.  My day started with a commute of a bit of sad music. A song that hit home and made me cry at 7:20 am. But that’s not how I wanted to continue my day. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of having sad eyes. Of my co-workers asking me if I’m okay. I changed my sad son and turned on my self-love affirmations for the rest of my commute.

I am grateful for a busy morning.

I am grateful for being able to assist my clients when they most needed. Thank you universe for giving me the ability to help them in their time of need.

Thank you universe for my dear Clara, this older lady at work that makes me laugh and gives me advise without really giving me advise. I am grateful to want to make me smile when I need it the most.

I am grateful for Jazmyn who knows how weird I am and always finds the time  to let me know she’s there for me. I am grateful for her little sweet notes of love, the book she recently gave me to help empower myself. I am thankful for the beautiful coloring page she did for me.

Today I am grateful for the children’s hug when coming home . I am grateful for the anger I feel building up when my child sreams because he wants 100% of my attention, because that means I am needed.

I am grateful for my oldest sister who has dedicated her last few months to live with me in order to take care of my children while I work. I thank the universe for the strenghtening of our relationship during these last few months.

I am grateful for having my husband beside me. I am grateful for his hard work. I am grateful for these couple of hours he gets to rest before he continues working hard. I thank you universe for my husband’s time yesterday when he took the time to accompany me to an appointment.

I am thankful to the universe for giving me openness to love. I am grateful to have the ability to love myself. That even though I have forgotten how that feels I am working minute by minute to remind myself that I am lovable and worthy of love. The best love I  can receive is my own.

I am grateful of opening myself to receiving my own love. I am open to love. I am open to love myself, to continue creating myself. To fall in love with myself above anyone. Because I am love.

Thank you universe for this moment, for my hands, for my ability to be in this moment. I am grateful for another breath. I am grateful for the tears because they cleanse me.

I am grateful for peace of mind. I am grateful for being a strong woman. I thank you for giving me strength to continue.  Grateful for knowing that change is needed and taking the steps necessary to fall in love with myself.

Painting feelings

Saturday I woke up with a pressure on my chest. That feeling lingered. My husband got home yesterday from a gig out of state, he hadn’t slept in almost 2 days. At 3:30 pm, he was in bed until this morning around 9 am.

I felt this loneliness. This void in my chest, in my life. Sometimes I feel we are closer than ever, that our marriage is stronger than ever. Then there’s days I feel the saddest person in the world. Today was one of those days.

He got up, did some car repairs and left to run errands. My heart broke. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and as soon as he’s here he leaves again. I needed to get it out or at least attempt to. I took out a canvas and paint brushes and I started painting what I feel the most to paint, a face.

I see faces. They’re always in my head. I can’t really see their details but they’re always there. I don’t know why I avoid painting them. I started with a sad colorful man, and then did a second woman. Actually she’s also sad. All of my faces are sad. I think she’s actually a man. A clownish pathetic man. Maybe I’m afraid to paint them because they reflect something inside me. But what’s so wrong about that? I feel the need to get them out.

My husband saw the paintings when he came home. He liked them actually, I saw it in his face. It lit me up and made me emotional to think I block out what I shouldn’t. He told me I needed to paint my faces.

Today I make a promise to myself. I will paint those faces that linger and haunt me at times. Those faces that sit like shadows behind my thoughts. Those faces that laugh at me at times, the ones that cry with me and the ones that reflect that happiness, that twinkle in my eye. I will paint them. They need to see the world, and the world needs to see them. They exist for a reason and I have kept them in secret for way too long. Not anymore.

Ayahuasca

Today I’m taking the medicine. I’ve been preparing for days. I am terrified. Maybe it will help me understand me. Maybe it will help me love me. I am scared of shitting my pants. I am afraid of having a panic attack.

Can I make it through it? What will I experience? Am I afraid of what I will discover? What I’ll discover about myself…

I don’t have any idea what will happen and at the same time I have all these things in my mind that I believe will happen.

I am confused but ready. I’ve been wanting to do this for over a year, close to two. The drive there will seem eternal. I appreciate the sky, the sun, the wind a bit more today. I look at my husband and wonder what goes on in his mind. Sometimes I feel I married a stranger. Other times that we talk and think the same things because were soulmates and eternally connected.

Aya what will you show me?

I did it. I changed my hair.

My hair appointment lasted 4 hours. It strangely went by fast. Its hard to find people that I can relate and connect and be able to maintain conversation without completely faking it. I was able to do it with this hair lady. The talk was non stop. For some reason I build myself with courage and for those few hours I let go of fears or what ifs. I let her touch my hair, wash it, bleach it, dye it and style it. I even made it to her Instagram account.

We talked family, kids, marriage. Those 4 hours flew by. And most of all I liked my results. I felt her honesty.

My husband didn’t know what I was doing. When he saw me he couldn’t believe it. He was in awe. He just stood there with his jaw dropped. He told me he couldn’t believe I had done something like this. It made me feel proud of myself. I crossed that line and stepped out of my normal boundaries. At 33 I finally let it happen. It may not be major thing for some but for me this is huge. It’s of a gigantic magnitude. I feel proud. I feel brave.

I’ve always had my dark brown hair. For a while I went with black. And that’s it. Now look at me!

My next challenge: professional pedicure.

It all started with a phone call

On Sunday April 15th my mother and I were having breakfast at my house. She had spent the night before at my house when we got a phone call, it was my father. My aunt, my father’s sister was taken to the emergency room and they weren’t sure what was wrong with her. She had a very bad cough and had apparently lost weight the last couple of months. My mother left abruptly to meet my father at the hospital.

The next couple of days went by in a very normal way aside from a concerning doubt as to what was wrong with her. They said it could be pneumonia, they said it could be lung cancer. But how? Yes she’s older I thought, 77 to be exact. She never drank in her life, never picked up a cigarette, never had a child. This was all even more concerning since just this past November my father had lost his brother to cancer too. Tuesday I get the call, its cancer, and there’s nothing they can do.

I had to leave work early. I got the the hospital and I saw her. It was devastating seeing her that way. Seeing someone connected to a breathing machine gasping for air, struggling at every single breath. I spent the whole night with, waking every couple of hours trying to desperately remove her IV, her machine, my aunt kept saying “just let me go, I want to go now”. It was heartbreaking. After that she was on a heavy dosage of morphine. We never spoke with her again.

At around 2:30 pm the next day we took her off oxygen. It took only about 6 minutes for her heart to give up. She laid there peacefully sleepy, finally resting. Surrounded by us, rubbing her back, telling her we loved her and to rest.

I’ve never seen anyone die. But if I ever experience that again I hope they go as peaceful as my aunt.

I’m left with wonderful memories, loving memories. My aunt never had children, and we all were her children. I’ll miss you Tia Ofelia, may you rest in peace.

Today is the day

I write this while I rest before getting ready for my much anticipated concert from a hotel in Tijuana, Mexico. Mexico gets a bad reputation, but Mexico is a beautiful country with humble and caring people.

After checking in to our hotel which happens to be less than 1 mile from the concert’s venue we decide on going for lunch. My husband took me to a local seafood place, the place was packed. Like people in line outside to get in. It’s also very loud, music playing, families having a great time, busy servers and kids laughing. I take a deep breath and look down. My husband holds my hand as they direct us to a table, slowly tightening his hand around my fingers. He does that to let me know he’s there for me. He will protect me. I can count on him if I suddenly can’t take it anymore.

They sit us at a smaller section. He tells me, “I was worried, it’s a bit quieter here don’t you think?”. It is. I don’t look around. I concentrate on my husband’s face and my food. They keep me focused. We ate delicious octopus tacos.

Then it’s coffee time. We took a small stroll around the streets close to our hotel and found a great coffee place. I can see the stadium where today’s concert will be from outside the coffee place. I can’t wait. I have Xanax in case my anxiety decides to take over. I’ll be right in the front section. I’m nervous, excited and ecstatic. But it could be the Vietnamese coffee I had.