Saturday I woke up with a pressure on my chest. That feeling lingered. My husband got home yesterday from a gig out of state, he hadn’t slept in almost 2 days. At 3:30 pm, he was in bed until this morning around 9 am.
I felt this loneliness. This void in my chest, in my life. Sometimes I feel we are closer than ever, that our marriage is stronger than ever. Then there’s days I feel the saddest person in the world. Today was one of those days.
He got up, did some car repairs and left to run errands. My heart broke. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and as soon as he’s here he leaves again. I needed to get it out or at least attempt to. I took out a canvas and paint brushes and I started painting what I feel the most to paint, a face.
I see faces. They’re always in my head. I can’t really see their details but they’re always there. I don’t know why I avoid painting them. I started with a sad colorful man, and then did a second woman. Actually she’s also sad. All of my faces are sad. I think she’s actually a man. A clownish pathetic man. Maybe I’m afraid to paint them because they reflect something inside me. But what’s so wrong about that? I feel the need to get them out.
My husband saw the paintings when he came home. He liked them actually, I saw it in his face. It lit me up and made me emotional to think I block out what I shouldn’t. He told me I needed to paint my faces.
Today I make a promise to myself. I will paint those faces that linger and haunt me at times. Those faces that sit like shadows behind my thoughts. Those faces that laugh at me at times, the ones that cry with me and the ones that reflect that happiness, that twinkle in my eye. I will paint them. They need to see the world, and the world needs to see them. They exist for a reason and I have kept them in secret for way too long. Not anymore.
Fridays are bitter-sweet for me. I do get excited because I don’t have to be at work until Monday (although I enjoy my work very much, I guess we can talk about this later). But it also means not being able to hang out with my husband. My husband and I don’t get to spend too much time together. I work with a long commute. He works close to home plus has another job as a musician. Sometimes he travels out-of-state and usually he is busy during the week since he manages his band. It may seem fun for a few, and it is but it also takes an emotional toll on your spouse. And that would be me.
I can’t say I didn’t know what I was getting into. When I started dating my husband many, many years ago, he was starting playing in a band with gigs at local bars. So early on I knew having a quiet weekend with just him was going to be tough. He would spend sometimes Thrusday through Saturday with gigs. Yeah, I could go with him to the bars, but how long do you hang in there alone watching your love one play? Then came the kids and age, although I am only in my 30s, life seems so different now. My husband now has a tribute band and constantly travels. It really scares me you know. It scares me because they are getting bigger each year. They’ve been together 2 years and it scares me how much they are traveling. It makes me feel like he’s moving forward and I’m falling behind, trying to reach for his hand and as he looks back I just look smaller and smaller. I’m afraid one day he won’t be able to see me anymore. And I’ll disappear.
I support his dream. He’s a musician by heart. I am actually very envious of him. I wish I had the drive to do what I love to do. I wish I could leave that fear behind of whatever it is I am afraid of and be able to pursue what I feel in my heart. My husband is a drummer. When I see him play it’s like I see a different person. I see the passion in his eyes and happiness in his heart. I feel scared. I feel scared because he might find someone who has more drive than me, someone that does pursue their passion and succeeds in it. I am afraid he will find me boring one day. I am just a working mom of three who loves her art but is terrified to put it out there, therefore never really shows her art or pursues anything to expose it. But he doesn’t understand the fear that my heart feels. He doesn’t understand how hard it is to have others look at me, strangers talk to me or ask me questions. He doesn’t understand that. How uncomfortable it is to speak about my feelings and explain my art. I can’t be like him. We are completely opposites you know. Maybe that’s why our marriage has lasted so long. Maybe he compliments me and I compliment him. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to put myself out there. Lately I’ve been very scared. I’m in my 30s. Will I wake up one day and be 60 and alone and nothing to show? Will my husband have all these cool amazing stories of his tours and I will have nothing? Will I live my last days in regret still afraid to talk to people. PEOPLE, AFRAID TO TALK TO PEOPLE. How pathetic.
My husband tells me humans are not designed (if that’s the proper word to use) to be alone. I know that’s true. But how do you make your heart and mind believe that? Please tell me. I have social anxiety, battle depression, have sensory issues (among other things) and I married an extrovert.
Today I doodled to quiet my thoughts.
Today I had a chance to do what I love without too many distractions. I can’t remember the last time I was able to draw without the kids interrupting me every 2 minutes. I was starting to feel upset. I was starting to let that feeling get to me. The lonely feeling of being trapped. I picked up my sketchbook and pens and watercolors and I let it come out. I stopped myself before I snapped at my beautiful children, before I created a story in my head of how it’s all my husband’s fault. And I doodled. I still feel lonely but I do feel better.