The Darkness is Back

I don’t understand it. I just wish I understood this darkness that is present inside of me. Why it leaves me and I seem to be doing so well then all of a sudden it’s back, and it feels it’s back with a vengeance. This pain in my chest grows. The darkness clouds my thoughts. It pollutes them with sadness, loneliness, desperation, frustration and agony.  I can’t do this to my family. I have a husband, 3 children and family and friends.

My life consists of playing an act. By the end of the day my acting skills are exhausted to the bone. I am ready to drop my costume and acting  game and live in despair. The sink into my bed and drown myself under the covers. Maybe if I cover my head the right way it will muffle my thoughts, just maybe.

I don’t understand how I can live a lie, how I can mount a Broadway show of a life everyday when I am slowly withering away inside. People around me have no idea of the real me. My coworkers think of me of the always happy, pretty smile, full of jokes and spontaneous comments full of life.

I don’t understand this. I don’t understand myself. Is it possible to live like this? Is it really possible to be able to live this show everyday? Or do I really have control over myself? Over this darkness? Is it possible to control it always? Why is it that I can control it, hide it, in front of people? If I can do that, why I can’t do it at all times? Living a real acted out play everyday that becomes reality and making the darkness disappear. Why can’t it just go? How do you even start getting rid of this darkness?

I thought I had it under control. I learned to meditate, do yoga, I even started running when this darkness started to eat me alive, when it started slowly suffocating me a few years back. The non athlete who never ran, started running. But it never fades away, it never really leaves me. This darkness is part of me. This darkness is me and it terrifies me. I’m 33 years old, half of my life is gone and the darkness gets stronger.

Morning Thoughts of an Over Thinker

I don’t work today and I am home with the kids without the husband. I’m already doing laundry, breakfast made, and working on tidying up the home. Mindless acts that as mothers we do almost unconsciously. I attempted to meditate this morning before the little ones woke up. It didn’t happen. I got interrupted by my oldest who stepped out of the shower and wanted to tell me its casual day at school, then my one year old crying and coughing. I feel overwhelmed. I look around and see so much stuff to tidy up and then a one year old making a mess of what I just cleaned. He doesn’t know how much it hurts how much it burns for his mother to see the mess. Things in the wrong places. He doesn’t realize what she feels when he runs his messy fingers across her arms. He doesn’t know how it sends this chill up to her spine. So I just grab him and hug him tight and kiss him to try to shake that feeling away. All he wants is my love and I all want is for him to know that I love him. I don’t want my children to know how overly sensitive my skin is, my hearing, my sight. Why should they be affective by this condition that I can’t help? My oldest is 11 and he sees it now. He realizes somethings mom needs a break. He acts like such a gentleman and helps with the little ones while looking at me to see if it helps me calm down. I love my children and I hope one day I can openly explain to them the mistakes I’ve made and how I fight everyday for them. In the meantime, tea is the only option to calm myself while I focus on one room at a time. I try to not think of the rest of the home and piles of laundry. Just one room at a time, one stop, one moment at a time. The rest doesn’t matter. This matters, this moment only. The present moment is all that exists. 1.26.18 tea