Beach Day / Gratitude Post #2

Today we go to the beach. The ocean always seems to calm me down. I’m thrilled to take a few hours away from home to dig my toes in the sand. I’m getting stuff ready to head out in a couple of hours.

My favorite thing to eat there? Fresh clams with lemon and some salsa. And of course a delicious and refreshing coconut with shrimp.

I feel stillness today.

I am grateful right now for my son’s laughter filling the living room as he chases a huge ball and runs around with my daughter.

I am grateful for those minutes spent hugging my husband while laying in bed before getting ready to start his day.

I am grateful for this cup of coffee that warms my belly.

I thank you universe for another day. Another chance to love myself a bit more.

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Day 1

You know when you have a faucet leaking, that drip, drip, drip. It echoes in my head. Trying to grab my attention. Each drip is like a piercing scream that travels through my ears into my head. My mind is loving it. Yet she’s so upset. Because she’s outdoing herself, yet I’m telling her to f*ck off.

Today is a new day. Today my heart trembles, but it trembles with love. Because I’m letting it tremble, and it’s scary. It’s scary that I’m not listening to her, my mind. She has played me for many years, putting my hands behind my back, tying them tightly and telling me I’m free. This is freedom. She doesn’t realize that I know her game now. And I that I had to do is pull hard enough to rip those ties off.

It still tries to grab me. It’s reaching her arms trying to pull back my arms yet I’m not going down. She hates it.

I will live my life free. I will free it from my mind and let the love that I am that is within me come out.

Painting feelings

Saturday I woke up with a pressure on my chest. That feeling lingered. My husband got home yesterday from a gig out of state, he hadn’t slept in almost 2 days. At 3:30 pm, he was in bed until this morning around 9 am.

I felt this loneliness. This void in my chest, in my life. Sometimes I feel we are closer than ever, that our marriage is stronger than ever. Then there’s days I feel the saddest person in the world. Today was one of those days.

He got up, did some car repairs and left to run errands. My heart broke. I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days and as soon as he’s here he leaves again. I needed to get it out or at least attempt to. I took out a canvas and paint brushes and I started painting what I feel the most to paint, a face.

I see faces. They’re always in my head. I can’t really see their details but they’re always there. I don’t know why I avoid painting them. I started with a sad colorful man, and then did a second woman. Actually she’s also sad. All of my faces are sad. I think she’s actually a man. A clownish pathetic man. Maybe I’m afraid to paint them because they reflect something inside me. But what’s so wrong about that? I feel the need to get them out.

My husband saw the paintings when he came home. He liked them actually, I saw it in his face. It lit me up and made me emotional to think I block out what I shouldn’t. He told me I needed to paint my faces.

Today I make a promise to myself. I will paint those faces that linger and haunt me at times. Those faces that sit like shadows behind my thoughts. Those faces that laugh at me at times, the ones that cry with me and the ones that reflect that happiness, that twinkle in my eye. I will paint them. They need to see the world, and the world needs to see them. They exist for a reason and I have kept them in secret for way too long. Not anymore.

Post concert recovery

Residente’s concert was just amazing. One of the things I love about attending concerts is, aside from of course the show and listening to your favorite artist, the energy shared with those attending. There is a magical connection that goes beyond sharing a very tight physical space. The passion that is shared as you release this energy and lyrics fill the air is almost mystical. You probably won’t ever cross paths again with those you share your space with in that moment but the energy released stays with you to recharge your life battery for a while. It stays there so when you feel nostalgic your memory brings it up and instantly you have this warm softening feeling. It’s like taking a Xanax.

By the way no medication was needed last night. Towards the end my feet and legs were tightening, I was tired but the music and vibes kept me going. There was some pushing there was some shoving, there was a long walk from the concert to a small place still open for homemade Mexican sopes and tortas. Getting up from that wooden bench in the wall eatery (literally, there was a right dark hallway to get to eat, probably scary for some to venture at 1 am in Tijuana) was hard.

As we shared out sopes and torta my husband and I enjoyed our relaxing late dinner. The walk from the fonda to the hotel was just a few minutes but it felt eternal. Our muscles had relaxed, our adrenaline was long gone and our 30+ plus body felt it. We drunkenly changed into pjs and fell to our bed.

My shoulder hurt all night and I didn’t sleep well but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I woke semi early, did a quick yoga routine, took a hot shower, got ready and walked to a nearby cafe. I sit here by the pool drinking a Mexican Mocha and enjoying some pastries. I don’t want this to end. The quiet is recharging. The stillnes makes my heart content. Today my life chaos continues. The crazy loud kids, work and the noisy coworkers, the routine continues. But I will always have this. This will live forever with me.

Fridays are supposed to be fun

Fridays are bitter-sweet for me. I do get excited because I don’t have to be at work until Monday (although I enjoy my work very much, I guess we can talk about this later).  But it also means not being able to hang out with my husband. My husband and I don’t get to spend too much time together. I work with a long commute. He works close to home plus has another job as a musician. Sometimes he travels out-of-state and usually he is busy during the week since he manages his band. It may seem fun for a few, and it is but it also takes an emotional toll on your spouse. And that would be me.

I can’t say I didn’t know what I was getting into. When I started dating my husband many, many years ago, he was starting playing in a band with gigs at local bars. So early on I knew having a quiet weekend with just him was going to be tough. He would spend sometimes Thrusday through Saturday with gigs. Yeah, I could go with him to the bars, but how long do you hang in there alone watching your love one play? Then came the kids and age, although I am only in my 30s, life seems so different now. My husband now has a tribute band and constantly travels. It really scares me you know. It scares me because they are getting bigger each year. They’ve been together 2 years and it scares me how much they are traveling. It makes me feel like he’s moving forward and I’m falling behind, trying to reach for his hand and as he looks back I just look smaller and smaller. I’m afraid one day he won’t be able to see me anymore. And I’ll disappear.

I support his dream. He’s a musician by heart. I am actually very envious of him. I wish I had the drive to do what I love to do. I wish I could leave that fear behind of whatever it is I am afraid of and be able to pursue what I feel in my heart. My husband is a drummer. When I see him play it’s like I see a different person. I see the passion in his eyes and happiness in his heart. I feel scared. I feel scared because he might find someone who has more drive than me, someone that does pursue their passion and succeeds in it. I am afraid he will find me boring one day. I am just a working mom of three who loves her art but is terrified to put it out there, therefore never really shows her art or pursues anything to expose it. But he doesn’t understand the fear that my heart feels. He doesn’t understand how hard it is to have others look at me, strangers talk to me or ask me questions. He doesn’t understand that. How uncomfortable it is to speak about my feelings and explain my art. I can’t be like him. We are completely opposites you know. Maybe that’s why our marriage has lasted so long. Maybe he compliments me and I compliment him. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to put myself out there. Lately I’ve been very scared. I’m in my 30s. Will I wake up one day and be 60 and alone and nothing to show? Will my husband have all these cool amazing stories of his tours and I will have nothing? Will I live my last days in regret still afraid to talk to people. PEOPLE, AFRAID TO TALK TO PEOPLE. How pathetic.

My husband tells me humans are not designed (if that’s the proper word to use) to be alone. I know that’s true. But how do you make your heart and mind believe that? Please tell me. I have social anxiety, battle depression, have sensory issues (among other things) and I married an extrovert.

Today I doodled to quiet my thoughts.

2.2.18 doodle flower.jpg