Beach Day / Gratitude Post #2

Today we go to the beach. The ocean always seems to calm me down. I’m thrilled to take a few hours away from home to dig my toes in the sand. I’m getting stuff ready to head out in a couple of hours.

My favorite thing to eat there? Fresh clams with lemon and some salsa. And of course a delicious and refreshing coconut with shrimp.

I feel stillness today.

I am grateful right now for my son’s laughter filling the living room as he chases a huge ball and runs around with my daughter.

I am grateful for those minutes spent hugging my husband while laying in bed before getting ready to start his day.

I am grateful for this cup of coffee that warms my belly.

I thank you universe for another day. Another chance to love myself a bit more.

Gratitude Post #1

Today work was busy. Friday’s I only work from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m.  My day started with a commute of a bit of sad music. A song that hit home and made me cry at 7:20 am. But that’s not how I wanted to continue my day. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of having sad eyes. Of my co-workers asking me if I’m okay. I changed my sad son and turned on my self-love affirmations for the rest of my commute.

I am grateful for a busy morning.

I am grateful for being able to assist my clients when they most needed. Thank you universe for giving me the ability to help them in their time of need.

Thank you universe for my dear Clara, this older lady at work that makes me laugh and gives me advise without really giving me advise. I am grateful to want to make me smile when I need it the most.

I am grateful for Jazmyn who knows how weird I am and always finds the time  to let me know she’s there for me. I am grateful for her little sweet notes of love, the book she recently gave me to help empower myself. I am thankful for the beautiful coloring page she did for me.

Today I am grateful for the children’s hug when coming home . I am grateful for the anger I feel building up when my child sreams because he wants 100% of my attention, because that means I am needed.

I am grateful for my oldest sister who has dedicated her last few months to live with me in order to take care of my children while I work. I thank the universe for the strenghtening of our relationship during these last few months.

I am grateful for having my husband beside me. I am grateful for his hard work. I am grateful for these couple of hours he gets to rest before he continues working hard. I thank you universe for my husband’s time yesterday when he took the time to accompany me to an appointment.

I am thankful to the universe for giving me openness to love. I am grateful to have the ability to love myself. That even though I have forgotten how that feels I am working minute by minute to remind myself that I am lovable and worthy of love. The best love I  can receive is my own.

I am grateful of opening myself to receiving my own love. I am open to love. I am open to love myself, to continue creating myself. To fall in love with myself above anyone. Because I am love.

Thank you universe for this moment, for my hands, for my ability to be in this moment. I am grateful for another breath. I am grateful for the tears because they cleanse me.

I am grateful for peace of mind. I am grateful for being a strong woman. I thank you for giving me strength to continue.  Grateful for knowing that change is needed and taking the steps necessary to fall in love with myself.

Day 1

You know when you have a faucet leaking, that drip, drip, drip. It echoes in my head. Trying to grab my attention. Each drip is like a piercing scream that travels through my ears into my head. My mind is loving it. Yet she’s so upset. Because she’s outdoing herself, yet I’m telling her to f*ck off.

Today is a new day. Today my heart trembles, but it trembles with love. Because I’m letting it tremble, and it’s scary. It’s scary that I’m not listening to her, my mind. She has played me for many years, putting my hands behind my back, tying them tightly and telling me I’m free. This is freedom. She doesn’t realize that I know her game now. And I that I had to do is pull hard enough to rip those ties off.

It still tries to grab me. It’s reaching her arms trying to pull back my arms yet I’m not going down. She hates it.

I will live my life free. I will free it from my mind and let the love that I am that is within me come out.

I can always change, You can always change

I always thought myself as a bit awkward. Someone that is just a bit socially awkward. The one that will cancel plans last-minute because she wasn’t brave enough to tell you no the first time. The one that doesn’t want to be around people because it gets her anxious and all she can think of is her imperfections. The one who will also suffer silently. The one who will dwell in deep depression and believe that is where she is meant to be for the rest of her life. Yes, she might be able to temporarily get out of that deep hole she has been digging herself into but ultimately she will gladly jump back in. Why? because that’s how I am. That’s my brain. My brain was designed to live in depression, melancholy, solitude and unhappiness. Right?

But you know what? That is not true. I am not designed if that is the correct word to use, to be an unhappy, bitter, depressive, and melancholic human being. I don’t know why I decided I was going to be like this for the rest of my life. I have no idea what caused me to make that determination about myself. I don’t have time to dwell in the past and try to dig into what caused me to get to that point in my journey.

Do you know what  I do have time for? Now. This present moment. I have time for this precise moment only. There is no way for me to change what I have done, what I have thought, or said. I don’t have time to think about the future. I can make plans and work hard towards my future but ultimately anything I do, I do now. I do in the present moment. I am learning everyday to live in this moment and this moment only.

I have plagued my life with this disease on concentrating on the past. On holding on to the worse moments of my life and not letting go. Then bringing them up at any moment to remind myself how miserable I am and how unhappy the present moment is just because that thing happened to me 5 yrs 3 months 7 days ago….or whatever it is. I have lived my life this way. I am 33 years old and I have lived like this all my adult life. Do you realize what that means? It means I have wasted all this years in despair. For absolutely no reason. If there is a reason I still have yet to find out the purpose of this. I want to bang my head in a wall in anger. But then it dawns on me if I continue to do that, dwell on my past actions I will definitely never get of this hole and seal it forever.

I have no idea when I will write exactly about my experience with my Ayahuasca ceremony. I took the medicine and she’s working me. She’s still in me and working her way through me. My first week after doing Ayahuasca was a rollercoaster of emotions. I would wake up with this pain in my stomach. I would bend over the toilet seat trying to throw up on an empty stomach because all I could feel was this huge heaviness in my soul, in my body, in my stomach and violently needed to leave my body. The first 2 days I spent shaking. Literally shaking, even when I talked I felt my lip trembling. I couldn’t control it.

My mind was losing it’s power and it didn’t like it. My mind wants to be in control at all times. She wants to take the wheel. She has taken the wheel for most my life. Who am I to take that power away from her now? Well…she was fighting back with all her might. I still don’t believe I have defeated her. One day, I felt this peace, this stillness in me. And I realized I got it. This is me. This stillness is who I am meant to be. I am in control. I am happy, peaceful and calm. The next morning while showering, my black, heavy feeling came back. I knelt in the shower throwing up stomach acid and sobbing. No, it’s not over yet. It’s not that easy. My mind is not easy. What makes you think a week will heal you? It was like I hit a brick wall.

I still have a lot of work to do. I realize now. This journey isn’t over. But I am almost on my 3rd week of doing drinking the medicine. I’ve cried so much. I’ve screamed on the way to work. I’ve had diarrhea, nausea, vomit, and dizziness. Yet even with all those symptoms I feel this cleansing power in me. I feel my body is healing of years of trauma that I have caused myself. My relationship with my husband went through hell these last few weeks, yet I feel closer to him. I feel we are both at the same level and are working to heal each other before we can heal our relationship. It is the most precious thing. Being able to heal yourself. When you heal, everything is easier. I accept myself, I am loving myself now. I haven’t felt this way about myself in years.

Believe that you can change if you really want to. Believe that this darkness isn’t who you are. It may be what you experiencing now and have been for a while but it’s not who you are really. You are, you just are. You are not your mind. You are not the stories you tell yourself everyday. You are not those emotions that suddenly creep up on you and cause turmoil in your head and body. Take a deep breath, close you eyes, acknowledge the thoughts and feelings that come to you when you do this. But as soon as you acknowledge them as a feeling or thoughts let them go. And focus on your breathing, that’s you. THAT is you. Don’t let that tool, that amazing and intelligent too we have and call mind take over you. Your mind doesn’t control you, you control your mind. It is your tool to use when YOU need it. Don’t give it the power it doesn’t have.

Free yourself. I am freeing myself. Do the same.

The Darkness is Back

I don’t understand it. I just wish I understood this darkness that is present inside of me. Why it leaves me and I seem to be doing so well then all of a sudden it’s back, and it feels it’s back with a vengeance. This pain in my chest grows. The darkness clouds my thoughts. It pollutes them with sadness, loneliness, desperation, frustration and agony.  I can’t do this to my family. I have a husband, 3 children and family and friends.

My life consists of playing an act. By the end of the day my acting skills are exhausted to the bone. I am ready to drop my costume and acting  game and live in despair. The sink into my bed and drown myself under the covers. Maybe if I cover my head the right way it will muffle my thoughts, just maybe.

I don’t understand how I can live a lie, how I can mount a Broadway show of a life everyday when I am slowly withering away inside. People around me have no idea of the real me. My coworkers think of me of the always happy, pretty smile, full of jokes and spontaneous comments full of life.

I don’t understand this. I don’t understand myself. Is it possible to live like this? Is it really possible to be able to live this show everyday? Or do I really have control over myself? Over this darkness? Is it possible to control it always? Why is it that I can control it, hide it, in front of people? If I can do that, why I can’t do it at all times? Living a real acted out play everyday that becomes reality and making the darkness disappear. Why can’t it just go? How do you even start getting rid of this darkness?

I thought I had it under control. I learned to meditate, do yoga, I even started running when this darkness started to eat me alive, when it started slowly suffocating me a few years back. The non athlete who never ran, started running. But it never fades away, it never really leaves me. This darkness is part of me. This darkness is me and it terrifies me. I’m 33 years old, half of my life is gone and the darkness gets stronger.

I write when my soul needs it

I’ve been away a few days. The only reason I have is that I’ve been feeling very good. I tend to write when I feel like I have no escape and my thoughts are preventing me from breathing. I write when I feel that tightness in my chest, when my brain is non stop with random thoughts. I haven’t felt that lately.

I ended up having a really bad fall which hurt my shoulder which I’m currently on muscle relaxers/pain killers for. It was as simple as me slipping on a small mop water puddle at home. It’s getting better so I have cut back on the medication. This past weekend was very special. My husband bought concert tickets for a Guatemalan singer whom I love back in November and kept it a secret for 3 months. He surprised me for valentine’s day with concert tickets. We got to get away to Los Angeles for 2 days with no kids. I was hurting due to my shoulder injury but I enjoyed myself so much. It gave me a glimpse of who I used to be. It made me realize how much I love my husband and how much he loves me. I had to have a few drinks to relax and forget the fact that I there were so many people so close to me and it was going to be loud. By the time it started I was pretty much in my comfort zone. Yes, I know alcohol is not the best way to cope with this however once in a while I don’t think it’ll hurt. I dressed up and felt beautiful.

We had the best of times. We had a awesome view from our hotel, I wish I had remembered to take a picture at night. The view was stunning.

We also visited one of my cousins in Compton, CA. And I bet you’ll recognize this place. My cousin took us out for delicious Thai food.

Before the concert ended, my husband gave me a second surprise. He surprised me with concert tickets again for this Saturday March 17 for another one of my favorite singers, Residente in Tijuana, Mexico. I couldn’t believe it, I cried because he has shown me so much love lately. Sometimes I forget that he loves me. Sometimes he is so busy and doesn’t take the time to be with me. I think he has noticed that lately. He has been working so hard to build our relationship and bond even tighter, and it’s working.

On a side note, if you have access to Netflix check out this singer’s documentary, it’s a great watch. Also called Residente, don’t worry it’s in English.

I have a new vision of the life ahead of me with him. I feel more connected than ever with my husband. I feel our love strengthening. I feel we are growing together and have reached a different stage in our lives.

On another note, I’m also starting to feel a bit old. My first-born who is 11 has stinky armpits and had to wear deodorant now. Why do they grow up so fast?

I’m a Domesticated Autistic Adult

I have a full time job. I got married, I have 3 children, participate in various social media platforms, and even participate in “normal” social gatherings to an extent. People have no idea how much I have practiced in my head how to behave in public. They have no idea how at times I just have to fake our interactions I order to avoid attracting any undesirable attention.

I write this from a mall parking lot during my regular lunch hour from my office job. I heated up my lunch, and had the usual conversation with the lady in finance who takes her lunch right on time (like me, because you know I like structure) . We exchanged weather pleasantries, I said “ok, I’ll see you later” to which she replied ok, M____ have a nice lunch.” Same conversation we have every time we see each other in the breakroom.

I wonder if she wonders where I go. I mean I pick up my lunch from the breakroom and heat it up and disappear. We can’t eat in our offices. Do they have any idea that I drive like 3 minutes to the close by mall and find a quiet parking spot to avoid human contact? Does anyone wonder? I sit here with my car windows partly open and I listen to the faint bird songs. And I listen to the sound of the passing cars and as they drive through the parking lot, crushing the tiny pieces of asphalt. It’s a crackling noise and a very annoying one in my opinion.

This is my me time. I have no children screaming or fighting. I have no noisy t.v. or nosy coworkers. My ears have a break. And I don’t speak. I enjoy my silence. I enjoy my lunch.

Looking for a quieter world

Yesterday we went for lunch at a local seafood place with the kids. I have three children, the youngest being 1. He is super active and can get loud. As soon as we walked in I felt the hair on my neck stand up. They had the music on full blast. Add the active 1 year old here. I immediately felt this energy creeping up my arms and my thoughts getting foggy.  The hostess sat us and said something. I look at my husband almost yell at him, “what did she say?”. He mumbled imitating squeaky noises because even for him it was too loud to hear. We have no idea what she said.

I couldn’t help but put my hand over my right ear, trying to cover it with my hair. I have hypersensitivity issues and it’s extremely hard for me to make them public. Most of the time I make excuses for running away from stimuli. People don’t know and it bothers me to make someone else uncomfortable due to my sensory issues. Having someone change their environment for me feels unfair to me.

I think they noticed, a couple of minutes later, they turned down the music considerably. Then the server came and asked for our drink order, “A corona please”. And that’s how I deal with it. I know it’s a terrible band-aid solution but in public sometimes I do not know how else to quiet my sensory issues. A little alcohol can do the trick.


At my aunt’s funeral earlier this year my oldest sister suggested noise cancellation earphones as my anxiety started rising being cramped in a way too small funeral home with just so many people murmuring, praying (my family is Catholic and mother loves to pray). I said no way, that’ll attract too much attention. But yesterday I realized that my hypersensitivity to noise and lights will not ever change. And while I can’t change the world I can change how I protect myself from it.

I’m looking into getting just tiny wireless ear buds. I have wireless ear buds that I use when I run but they go across my neck and that definitely wouldn’t be discreet at social gatherings. But a tiny ear bud I can wear and cover with my hair I think might work. I don’t want total disconnection with the world. Although the world is too loud and bright I still want to be part of it. But maybe I can listen to soft music or nothing at all and just muffle life a bit.

Right now I hear lullabies playing, echoing in my left ear like a megaphone. On my right ear I hear the banging buttons of jeans circling in the dryer. I can hear my heart beat at times. I can hear my daughter moving around in the sofa, her jeans rubbing the fabric at this moment.  I am grateful for my hearing for I know others may not be so lucky but I just want the world’s volume turned down a bit. Now how do I help my 3 kids  and drummer husband understand that?